Saturday
Sep042010
I know that some of you are just seeing spam in your Google Reader feeds. I don't know how to fix that, but I promise this is me, Alissa, with a real post, and if you click the link to my blog you will see it properly.
Saturday, September 4, 2010 at 04:40AM
Mike is gone for a week at Burning Man. One thing that the loneliness is reminding me about is that I can deal with low emotions and difficult situations on my own.
I’ve been down the past few days—finishing a show is always accompanied by a wave of depression. I’m used to reaching out for support when I’m down, to friends and family, of course, but to Mike most of all. And the strongest moment of emotion is at night when I go to bed, where Mike usually helps me do the heavy lifting.
I’ve been going to bed later and later this week, subconsciously avoiding the weight that settles on me when I stop moving. Last night, I forced myself to go to bed before I was too exhausted to see straight, and sure enough, there it was waiting for me, the sadness. I closed my eyes wishing I was sleeping at first, but gradually I remembered that the feeling wasn’t going to kill me, that it was there to hold me and allow me to mourn the project that took so much of my energy and focus all summer, that it is a natural and necessary thing to experience, and that on some level it’s actually kind of satisfying to grieve. I think when I’m so constantly surrounded by my support network I don’t always let myself feel things all the way through before I’m reaching out to people to help me banish them. This break is good for me.
Another situation that arose this week was one of minor interpersonal difficulty; someone I like, whom I didn’t wish to hurt or offend, was doing something that was pushing my boundaries in a small but persistent and increasingly aggravating way. My normal course of action is to process that in conversation with three or four people I trust before I feel ready to address the problem; with them, I would shape the conversation, get the courage to initiate it, and collect the reassurance that I was not crazy or doing the wrong thing.
With Mike and other close friends gone this week, and given that interpersonal dynamics in your close social network really aren’t the best things to process in conversation when your friends are gleefully gossipy, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. And that was weird for a couple days and then I realized that I could process that myself, give myself validation, and chew it over until I had a good non-accusatory opening and the courage to be frank. And I did, and I was, and the conversation went all right, and I felt good about it later—like, mommy, wow! I did it all by myself! Laugh if you want, but it’s good to know I can trust myself and my instincts and understanding.
So I’m glad I got a chance to be alone some. Even, or maybe especially when, I’m not 100% on top of things emotionally. It’s good to keep the muscles toned for shoveling my own shit.
All that said, I’m gonna be really happy to see Mike when he gets home today.
Love y’all!
Alissa
I’ve been down the past few days—finishing a show is always accompanied by a wave of depression. I’m used to reaching out for support when I’m down, to friends and family, of course, but to Mike most of all. And the strongest moment of emotion is at night when I go to bed, where Mike usually helps me do the heavy lifting.
I’ve been going to bed later and later this week, subconsciously avoiding the weight that settles on me when I stop moving. Last night, I forced myself to go to bed before I was too exhausted to see straight, and sure enough, there it was waiting for me, the sadness. I closed my eyes wishing I was sleeping at first, but gradually I remembered that the feeling wasn’t going to kill me, that it was there to hold me and allow me to mourn the project that took so much of my energy and focus all summer, that it is a natural and necessary thing to experience, and that on some level it’s actually kind of satisfying to grieve. I think when I’m so constantly surrounded by my support network I don’t always let myself feel things all the way through before I’m reaching out to people to help me banish them. This break is good for me.
Another situation that arose this week was one of minor interpersonal difficulty; someone I like, whom I didn’t wish to hurt or offend, was doing something that was pushing my boundaries in a small but persistent and increasingly aggravating way. My normal course of action is to process that in conversation with three or four people I trust before I feel ready to address the problem; with them, I would shape the conversation, get the courage to initiate it, and collect the reassurance that I was not crazy or doing the wrong thing.
With Mike and other close friends gone this week, and given that interpersonal dynamics in your close social network really aren’t the best things to process in conversation when your friends are gleefully gossipy, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. And that was weird for a couple days and then I realized that I could process that myself, give myself validation, and chew it over until I had a good non-accusatory opening and the courage to be frank. And I did, and I was, and the conversation went all right, and I felt good about it later—like, mommy, wow! I did it all by myself! Laugh if you want, but it’s good to know I can trust myself and my instincts and understanding.
So I’m glad I got a chance to be alone some. Even, or maybe especially when, I’m not 100% on top of things emotionally. It’s good to keep the muscles toned for shoveling my own shit.
All that said, I’m gonna be really happy to see Mike when he gets home today.
Love y’all!
Alissa
Reader Comments (4)
My sadness is alleviated at night just by going to bed. Interesting difference. However, I wake in the morning with fear in my belly. Similarly, just hugging Doug lying next to me makes it go away. One of the many benefits of partnership!
What a beautiful struggle. I find that even if nothing is on my mind, I have difficulty sleeping when Adam is away. I miss you.
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