Wed 14 Oct 2009
Rusty gears turning–Or, Please Direct Me to the Nearest OA Meeting
Posted by Alissa under Have I said this before? , Home , Insomnia , My complicated relationship with time[2] Comments
Well. A month back in Seattle, and nary a peep out of me. I’ve been happy and exhausted. It takes this, the second night of insomnia in a row, to send me back here, to whatever bedraggled readership has stuck with me through months of silence.
The tutoring business is popping. I have so much work! Something happened this year where I finally built up enough momentum to be swimming in referrals to the point where scheduling new students is hard. Which is great! And I love my job, and I’m getting better at it daily. But it leaves me meditating, once again, on my complicated and fraught relationship with time.
It doesn’t seem to matter what I’m doing, or how many projects I have, or how many hours I work–somehow I never have enough of it. The list of things I want to do stretches longer and longer while I wear myself out running from one thing to the next. It’s not unusual for me to have a class in the morning, lunch with a friend, tutoring in three different places in the afternoon, and two different evening engagements that I dash between. My laundry sits rumpling in the dryer, unfolded. The picture frames loiter on the floor, leaning against the wall, unhung. My blog collects cobwebs. My garden is unplanted. My poems are unwritten.
How can I so constantly be doing things and yet constantly feel behind?
Next week I’m going to Humboldt for a quick visit and to see a show that an old Dell’Arte classmate has been working on. I have a ticket to fly back to Seattle on Tuesday afternoon (via a layover in San Francisco.) Mike made an appointment with the German consulate in San Francisco for that Wednesday (he needs to renew his passport.) Tickets from SF to Seattle, for some reason, are only $50 right now. He asked if I’d like to hang out with him in San Francisco Tuesday night instead of going straight home. Yes, of course I would! I look at my calendar. I only have two lessons scheduled on Wednesday, but one is a lesson that I’ve already rescheduled once in order to be able to take the Humboldt trip. Also, Wednesday evening is the anniversary party of some friends, who I’ve already RSVP’d to.
No big deal, right? I could cancel the lessons–that one is too bad, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for anyone–and even a special party is still a party. No one will even notice if I’m not there after all. So cancel everything for the day, have a nice morning in SF, fly back and spend a quiet night at home before getting back into the swing of things Thursday, right?
No. I booked my flight home from San Francisco for 7am so that I could still do everything I had on my calendar–AND have an evening in SF with Mike.
I’m looking at that now going–am I crazy? Even as I was booking the ticket, I was thinking “this is a bad idea.” But I couldn’t bring myself to say no to any of it. I think I have a problem. Really, when your rational brain is telling you not to do something and you find yourself doing it anyway–it’s almost the definition of a problem. I don’t know what to do about this. Is there a group I can go to? Overbookers Anonymous?
I have so much in this life to be grateful for–it seems like a minor problem, this having-too-many-wonderful-things-to-do. But the exhaustion isn’t really minor, and it’s getting common, and it’s keeping me from enjoying said wonderful things. So…slow down, me. Maybe it’s better to fly home on the original schedule. I will ponder. Advice is welcome.
Love! And thanks for (still) reading!
Alissa
I was just thinking “Alissa hasn’t posted to her blog in quite a while”, and now here is a thoughtful and important blog post.
You know I struggle with the same problem you do. I hate to miss out on anything fun or interesting. I want to do it all, all the time. My eyes are far bigger than my stomach.
I think the thing that most helps me slow down is a feeling of abundance and of patience.
Abundance specifically in the continual stream of wonderful things that will keep coming your way day after week after month after year. Even if you miss some of these things, there will be more.
We don’t need to do everything all at once, because there’s always more. Life is long. It makes me want to quote Heinlein: “Time enough for love.”
mez
I’m no good at giving advice, just make sure that you are taking care of yourself. If that means hitting every social event while working a demanding job, knitting a sweater, and dancing a jig, then go for it, but it might also mean a date with a bubble bath and a glass of wine.
(warning: shameless plug to break into your social calendar) You could always spend an afternoon with my munchkin remembering what it is like to take 10 minutes to walk 5 feet while you stop to admire every bug, flower, and drain.
We love you!