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So Claytie and I have made a working schedule, and it involves me getting up at the ridiculous hour of 7:30 am tomorrow. And, of course, I have been tossing and turning in bed for the last hour, unable to sleep. Chances of sticking to schedule: approximately 30%.

Something I’ve been thinking about lately is my relationship to time, and here’s the thing: I have a bad one. Me and Time just weren’t meant to be. I mean, he’s nice and all, but I’m starting to suspect him of being emotionally abusive, and they say once you recognize the signs, you should get out, and fast. But it’s gonna take more than a little courage, and a bit of figuring out how, to break up with Time.

One thing I’ve consciously avoided all my life is worrying about what I eat. I really like to eat, and it would be a shame if ever in my life I felt guilty for chowing down on something I enjoy. This is something I make room for in my life, and I tend to be drawn to things that are good for me anyway (thanks mom) and my occasional indulgences are just lovely (and usually punish me enough later that the guilt is unnecessary, aversion-wise). But what I’ve recently realized is that I feel like I’m on a Time diet that I’m constantly blowing. And I suffer for it, every time.

It’s come to a head with this recent month of relatively unstructured life, though it started years ago. I overestimate what I’m capable of accomplishing in a given chunk of time; I constantly second-guess whatever I’m doing at the moment, because there might be a more productive way I could be spending my time; and no matter how much I do in a day, I usually feel like I haven’t done enough. And I feel guilty about it. And I long for ‘free’ time, but when I have it I stress out about the stuff I’m not accomplishing. The only times I have that feel truly free of expectations, ironically, are nights like this, when I should be sleeping but for one reason or another the brain and body just aren’t cooperating. I can’t possibly be to blame for this, and no one could reasonably expect me to be productive with this time, so whatever I do is more or less a freebie. Maybe that’s why my insomnia’s been worse lately.

I’ve all but stopped reading novels, because I can’t pick one up without the haunting feeling that there’s something more important that I ought to be doing. I’m one of those people who’s late to stuff more often than not, mostly because I consistently underestimate the amount of time it’s going to take me to leave the house. I frequently make complex and exhaustive and rigorous schedules for myself that I don’t have a chance of keeping. Sound familiar, dieters?

So…what the hell do I do about it? Expect Less just doesn’t seem like a good option. I try to ’schedule’ myself time to be spontaneous, which is rather ironic, and over and over again I let new events (social, work-related, whatever) bulldoze into my expectation-free time without much of a hesitation. I need a new way to trick myself into being guilt-free about time. If…if any of you have any ideas…

Wide awake in Westhaven,
Alissa

Just going through some of the poems I’ve written in the past six months or so. These ones are all works in progress. Edited 7-29-07 in response to feedback–keep it comin’.

12-16-06

All right, start now please.
…I
It’s a little difficult, could you try again?
I…
That’s it…
I think sometimes I get overwhelmed with all there is to think about I don’t think it’s very useful to think about a hundred things at once or even a dozen at once it’s a little surprise when there’s just
one
thought and it’s a nice surprise like opening the mailbox when it’s not your birthday and there’s a hand-addressed envelope in there though usually lately that’s a ploy from a credit card company or a big charity that wants a donation everybody wants your attention but for a moment it’s like, hey, somebody wrote me a letter.

Nobody does that any more.

12-14-06
(winds up to 70mph it’s a real storm a real crazy storm)

I wish I had a giant kite
I’d take it outside let it loose and hold on tight
and I’d ride it through the lightening
and I’d ride it through the rain
and I’d dance it to the thunder
and I’d be myself again

I wish I had a rocket ship
I’d get aboard count to ten and let ‘er rip
and I’d ride it through the atmosphere
and I’d ride it to the sun
and I’d race it out the universe
and I’d come back all alone

I wish I had a pair of wings
I’d spread ‘em out flap ‘em and see what it brings
and I’d fly right up to heaven
and I’d fly right up to God
and I’d pirouette to Holy Writ
and I’d know what Man forgot

12-12-06
For Sleeping

My heart beats too fast
sometimes
like when the wind
(loud & wild)
makes neighbors holler outside
or when a truck
(fast & heavy)
makes me jump back onto the curb
or when

(a boy)

7/17/07
Vindication

I’m a slow eater.
I’m a veteran of the impatient
sighs of my polite
tablemates.
Sometimes
I apologize
duck my head
and shovel it in,
or let the waiter
swipe my plate early.
Sometimes, though,
I like
making

them

wait

12-15-06
You know you

Buzzing a little on wine
and hanging around with your ex-boyfriend
is a little like

like buzzing a little on wine
and driving around when you know you

you shouldn’t

It’s okay if it’s hard.

In fact, it’s supposed to be hard.

If it were easy, then I wouldn’t be doing it right.

Everything.

Okay, I’m going to act like a real blogger for a moment. Here are two things on the internet that I think are just fascinating:

http://blog.wired.com/business/2007/04/my_other_interv_1.html

http://blag.xkcd.com/2007/01/

The first is a WIRED magazine interview with Eric Schmidt, Google CEO, from 2005. He’s got really perceptive things to say about the impact of a leader’s thoughts, actions, and decisions on all the other people involved, and the importance of involving relevant people in the decision-making process; the compromises you have to make (in terms of violating a *pure* consensus model) to actually get things done and decisions made; and the way to channel other people’s brilliance in the most productive way possible. He speaks humbly and gives full credit to his collaborators, but I have a glimmer of an idea that very few people in the world are capable of leading a company like Google as successfully as he does. The bulk of this interview is stuff that I can apply to leading a theatre company. (For those not immersed in a high-tech culture: the “20 percent time” that they talk about during part of the interview is the Google corporate policy of encouraging each employee to devote 20 percent of their work time to a project of their own devising, that they work on at their own pace and share with their fellows. After I first read this interview, I had a dream that night that I was running a theatre company in which all the collaborators were expected to be working on their own side projects as well. I need to think more about how to apply all the other stuff he talks about.)

The second link is a ‘modern speech’ translation of Washington’s Farewell Address (courtesy Randall Munroe of xkcd.com fame.) I include this link instead of Washington’s original address because Randall did a pretty good job of the ‘translation’, and it’s much easier to get through (though if you’re a purist you can follow the link on Randall’s blog to Washington’s original text.) It’s another example of really impressive leadership, and it’s sad that in my lifetime I don’t think I’ve seen a president who could address the problems of running the country as a whole in such a thoughtful, honest, non-condescending way. I’m a little spooked by his assertion that only religious people can be truly moral, but aside from that, this speech evinces overtones of the same things I see in Schmidt’s interview: a willingness to learn from experience, an acknowledgment that not everything is figured out yet, a deep understanding of how people work together, a deep distrust of segmentation, and a certain amount of humility about his own role in it all.

Both these articles have been haunting me for months now. Anyone with thoughts about them, call me! Let’s talk pretentiously about leadership as if we know something about it, whee!

:-p It’s 2:40 in the morning. I can never tell how seriously to take myself at this hour. G’night, beautiful people.
Alissa