This morning was a little hopeful. We did a training that involved a lot of standing on one foot, reaching as far as possible one way with the foot in the air and as far as possible in the other direction with both arms, bending and straightening the knee, in taut slow motion. With all of what Matthew said last night about the autonomy of the actor, and being true to the impulse and not necessarily the form, buzzing around in my head, I had flashes of really being able to take myself somewhere else, particularly when I was leading a few people. It’s funny how it takes that responsibility to get us to “fluff up”, as Robyn and Steve used to put it–to actually do your fullest instead of just what you think it is–but then, of course, there are the moments of pain and the giving up and the exhausting work of trying to find it again.

I’m thinking that this blog is going to start sounding more and more alien to people who are not here. I write this stuff down and it all means one thing in my head, but I’m lacking objectivity in a serious way, right about now. My leg is nearly all the way better, thank goodness. I have acquired some new bug bites. My poor beleagured feet–I think I need a foot massage and a pedicure when I return to civilization, as a thank-you to them for putting up with all this. They are sore, bruised and battered, blistered and stiff, and often feel somewhat remote from me–they’re taking all the punishment here, while all the stuff on top floats around.

I’m cooking dinner tonight, whee! Chicken wings, I guess, and potato salad.

All right, I suppose I should be doing some of the research I’m supposed to be getting accomplished. Slowly climbing out of the frustration. We had a design workshop today and when I mentioned my fears, Carrol (our design mistress) reminded me that I’m out here on a beautiful farm doing lots of physical stuff and that I should relax about it all. That helped. I’m only here to learn what I can learn. And it’s fun! Even when it’s hard, it rocks. If I could go home any time I wanted, I’d stay here for months.

lalalalalearning,
Alissa