…is hard. Wow. A little bewildering. I like it, I think…but it’s funny that I was lovin’ life while we were learning kicks and punches in mid-air and then, when faced with a sparring partner (well, not sparring, we were doing one-steps–just one attack, and its defense and counterattack) I got really embarrassed. Turns out, it’s really intimidating for me to even pretend to punch someone. I forgot everything and I kept giggling and apologizing. This is good for me, I think.

I kept thinking about what Steve Pearson told me when I was learning to walk a tightrope in the Pacific Performance Project Suzuki intensive a few years ago. I was having trouble getting across the rope, wobbling, falling, laughing about it, etc., when he finally said to me, “Alissa. Pretend that you are a professional tightrope walker.” And I straightened up and got farther along the rope than I had to date, and the next time I tried, I crossed it. We do ourselves so much harm just by thinking “I’m not good at this.” Thinking I was a professional didn’t make me one, but it did counteract the sabotage I was conducting on myself by deciding I was bad.

We just finished dinner, and there’s a break now before we do instrumental training. After that is the nighttime group training until one, and then we collapse into bed, or shower if we can stand up for that long. During these breaks, I find I don’t really know what to do with myself, which is why I keep returning to the computer; I’ve been writing too, but I can only do that for so long before getting distracted here. Plus my room is cold and the hallway where the computer is is less so. I’m sure I’ll adjust to life here soon enough and fill it with the busy leisure-ness of being at home, but for the moment I feel like a guest, and just lounging doesn’t feel like an option. And I didn’t bring any books, thinking I’d be too busy to read them…I suppose I could make friends. :-p Right. Off I go.

Love!
Alissa